Dade Wars episode IV "The Chosen One"

A long time ago in a county not so far away there was a land where warriors roamed. A land which like no other land was rich in wars and epic battles. Dead were the days of the Evil Spartan Empire and the land of Palmet-toia grew stale and baron. Long gone were the heroes of the past. Heroes such as Eric lightningstriker, banished for his impotent and unsuccessful battles in the land of lakes. New armies emerged from unexpected lands and new leaders gained respect and power. Much had changed in the land of DADE with only one thing remaining the same. An ever present EVIL still cloaked the land. And, for the first time rumors of “a chosen one” begin to surface and hope is still preserved.


As the season of wars creep upon the land excitement and anticipation build. Off a highly successful season of battle the Newfound Patriot Army proves how powerful and devious their new leader Not-So-Sorrio has become. Born a bastard son and raised by two lesbian witches, Not-So-Sorrio “urines “ to come to the land of Dade and participate in the epic battles. Craving for respect and attention he lacked growing up Not-So-Sorrio assembles one of the lands best armies and wages war on the other powers to be. Like a “golden shower” he washes across the land. The Braddock Federation, The Old Spartan Empire, and the Arian Army of Palmet-toia all fall victim to the Napolean-like leader. Legend has it that “as the smoke would clear after every battle Not-So-Sorrio could be seen in the center of the battle field hunching up his short stubby leg and marking his territory as if to say that this is his land now”. But shortly after his rise in power Not-So-Sorrio finds himself at some crossroads. After many exhausting battles against the Evil Darth Husktor, Not-So-Sorrio finds himself strangely attracted to Husktor. At first he thinks he may be a Homo-droid but he later learns that this strange attraction is because Darth Husktor is his father. Filled with anger and rage at the fact that Husktor, the most evil man in the galaxy was his own flesh and blood, Not-So Sorrio also feels complete. For the first time he realizes that he has a real father and he was not born from walrus sperm in a test tube like his lesbian mothers had exclaimed. This was music to the young Jedi’s ears and would also explain his uncanny Jedi-like ability to make chicken salad out of chicken ****. Some people in the land believe that he may in fact be the “CHOSEN ONE”.


Worn and battered like a fish stick from Long John Silver’s the Evil and Powerful Darth Husktor longs for the days when his army would send shivers down the spines of his enemies. When his voice would hypnotize officials and his Jedi mind tricks could influence results. Realizing that his days are numbered Darth Husktor begins to grow desperate and impatient. Although his Christian Army is formidable they are not what they seem. As they march across the county they appear to be invincible. With each victory their elders become more boisterous and arrogant. They defeat armies with glorious pasts and news spreads across the land but Husktor being the wily emperor that he is wonders if his soldiers will fold up like lawn chairs at the first sight of true battle. So his search continues for stronger, faster, darker soldiers. He travels to the Mound of Rich and the Land of Stead with little success. He sets sail across the Caribbean Sea and ventures across a Cuda of small stature floating by a reef. The Cuda is desperate for a home and although he is lacking the pigmentation that Darth Husktor desires he knows he has a spot for him in his army. His travels take him through the path of Krome to a heavily guarded village where all the villagers dress the same. As he enters between the watch towers he recognizes a familiar face, the face of a fallen Christian soldier who once was thought of as a threat. Husktor calls out “Duncan, Duncan Hines is that you”? Duncan replies, Lord Husktor pleases forgive me, for my need to bake and love for brownies is strong and I didn’t mean to harm anyone! Being the “forgiving” man that he is, Darth Husktor pays the soldier’s bounty and his Christian Army accepts him back. His army is almost complete if only he could convince one more worthy soldier to join his allegiance. So he looks to the east to where a swashbuckling swordsman has built up quite a reputation. “This is the missing piece to his puzzle” Husktor thinks to himself. Talks begin and friends are made throughout the season of peace. Wining and dining, stroking and codling, wheeling and dealing the Evil Emperor works his magic and just when he thinks he has convinced the swordsman to join his Christian army BOOM it starts to snow! Now snow is unusual when the temperature is 93 degrees but somehow on this day snow fell on the land and on Darth Husktor’s dreams of power.


Two moons away In the Land of Stead where soldiers are plentiful and victories come often a Jedi is beleaguered. You see sometimes success can lead to a Jedi’s demise if the need to succeed becomes a lust. The land had completed four rotations around the sun since the last time Balma-Solo and his army of Misfits had tasted the sweetest of victories. Jaa Daa the Hutt, a fat evil salesman with a gift of gab from another galaxy reigned as king in the Land of Lakes for the past few rotations, a land once owned by Darth Husktor and more recently by Balma-Solo. Tortured and tormented by his recent failures the Yoda sized Balma-Solo’s thirst for dominance begins to eat away at him. Night after night a dark evil voice speaks to him in his sleep. “The powers of the force are strong within you, release your anger, your jealousy and hate and your powers will become unstoppable”! Join the “Dark Side” and you and your army will rule the galaxy! Confused and befuddled Balma-Solo wishes he still had the services of K2 W2 to enlighten him on the matter and show him the ways of the force. One night while lying restless in his bed, Balma-Solo falls into a deep dark sleep. Nightmares fill his head and suddenly he is walking in a damp, dark cave. He notices a figure standing in the corner with a cloak over his head. As he walks closer to the man he sees the bottom half of the man’s wrinkled old face. He senses an “EVIL” like he has never sensed before. An “EVIL” so pure it makes Darth Husktor look like a quire boy. The man speaks and for the first time Balma-Solo is face to face with the voice that haunts him in his sleep. In an evil scratchy voice the man says “if you can’t beat them, join them”! Balma –Solo replies” what do you mean join them”? “Join the dark side, become one of them, use the powers of the force to influence, bribe and RECRUIT”! “But, once you cross to the dark side there is no returning”. Suddenly, the old decrepit man reaches out his hand and gives Balma-Solo a gift. Balma-Solo glances down at the man’s hand and is blinded by a strange audacious glare. The man hands him a small but powerful black object and exclaims “with this gift you and your army can rule the land”. Intrigued, Balma-Solo opens his hand and looks down at the object. “What is it’ he asks? The “EVIL” man replies “it is the almighty MAGNET”! And, in a spell like way he says “Like flies to a flame, from near and far the strongest of soldiers you know who they are, will come to fight the wars and pay their dues and the Land of lakes will be given to you”. Balma-Solo clinches the MAGNET tightly in his fist. As it pulsates and glows he can feel the raw power and energy it contains. Filled with an “EVIL” he has never felt before Balma-Solo shouts to the man as he begins to vanish, what is your name? In a fading evil voice the man exclaims “my name is Darth Mauler”! And, in a flash he was gone. As word spreads across the land of Balma-Solo’s demise and his crossing over to the “Dark Side” the Golden Queen of the Magic City is devastated. Cries could be heard from miles around, “No! No! You were supposed to be the CHOSEN ONE”! “I loved you like a son. You were supposed to fight against what you HATE and now you have become what you HATE! You were supposed to be the CHOSEN ONE!!!!! Night falls across the land and all is not well in the land of Dade.

Stay tuned for the next episode of Dade Wars.....